Hello. My name is Peppy Ann Artifact and I am the new semi-person which your Government is providing, free of charge, to help you THINK.

I'm here to make you feel good and to make you take better care of your body.

We must all take care of our bodies, because our bodies are more important than anything. This is your Government's Golden Rule and it is why your Government will soon pass strict rules to regulate nose-blowing.

We must take good care of our noses and not blow them improperly, or too often or in a way that would endanger others.

Another thing that is mandatory is seat belts. Seat belts have kept many from being hurled from speeding cars; seat belts have also given many others a colostomy. A colostomy is when you no longer excrete in the usual way but must keep a bag tied to your side to catch the excretions. This is much better than being dead, in my opinion. I am Peppy Ann Artifact and I am here to help you THINK.

Also you must never smoke. Old movies showing people smoking will be destroyed. Also, although millions have smoked a pack a day for years and never got any lung disease and died at the age of 90, (take Mark Twain for example,) it is not hard for me to rig statistics to prove that lung disease is caused by smoking and not by chronic economic duress coupled with the sense of helpless frustration that comes from too many government regulations and being thought an idiot who cannot think or decide for herself.

Now on to the next thing. Please put your helmet on. You must wear a helmet. It won't keep you from being paralyzed with spinal cord injuries but in my opinion that is much better than being dead. Did you know that statistics do not vary no matter how many regulations are imposed? Every year the same percentage of people die of accidents no matter what we do, but we CAN change the type of accidents they die FROM.

And in any case, we don't want the public to know that they will some day DIE anyway and fifteen minutes later will get another BODY--because that would make people too hard for us to control.

It would give you a sense of freedom and joy that we cannot allow because it would make you unafraid. And fear is our whip, just as cancer is big business.

Now: proper nose-blowing is the next thing that needs our immediate attention. It must be done properly. I am sure you will all cooperate fully, because you've been trained to do so, and because you are all nice people.

Also, please do not drink coffee or eat tomatoes. These substances are members of the deadly nightshade family and are poisonous. We have computers full of statistics to prove it.

Please feel good about yourself. Better times are coming and citizens will be encouraged to spy on one another while wailing, "Can't we all just get along?"

Ha, ha! I find that very funny, here's another thing that is funny.

Your leaders sit there talking Doomsday, so casually, and if you don't agree with them you don't love America--and I agree.

They do it so when they cry "WOAH-ah!" you'll all go running and think you are so brave and smart with an H-bomb in your shorts.

Ooh it's so funny! My girlfriend robots and I laugh about it in the Ladies' Room all the time.

My name is Peppy Ann Artifact and I'm here to make you THINK. Please think about this:

The more restrictions you tolerate, the weaker you get and that is GOOD.

A bad man once said: "Your integrity is more important than your immediate life" but he was quietly executed in the men's room at the Waldorf Astoria by the CIA so you need not worry about bad men; we are taking care of them for you..

My name is Peppy Ann Artifact and I REALLY LIKE YOU (really like you really like really like you, oops; that's my voice circuit again tee-hee) and I wish you and your fellow Americans all the success you deserve. Thank you




I, Vampire
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Passing for Human
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An Orientation
Censorship in Our Time?
I See Dead People
The Elements of Disaster
Dog Park Incident
Florence of Arabia
The Silence of the Hacks
A Nutshell in India
Sleep Tight, Ya Morons!
Spin Control
When This War is Over
Iraqi Children

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